RAWALPINDI: In what was allegedly the biggest case of mass-harassment experienced by a non-woman in the country, a First Information Report (FIR) was registered at Rawalpindi’s Saddar Police Station against the nation earlier today, Khabaristan Times has learnt.
According to the FIR report, 18-year-old Arshad Khan, who works at a local café, has been harassed for the past three days by the nation, while he was performing his duty.
“The evidence is all over the internet,” said Superintendent Police (SP) Jawad Malik, while talking to Khabaristan Times. “It is one of those rare cases where you don’t look for proofs – they look for you. And we will be using the evidences to jail the nation for this blatant act of mass harassment.”
Meninist Pakistan leader Meer Mard alleges that ‘radical feminists’ were behind the crime, and hence only they should be put behind the bars.
“It all started when a woman named Jiah Ali – potentially a feminist – put innocent Arshad’s picture on Instagram, clearly assaulting an innocent man, who does not even know what Instagram is,” Mard said. “We would like the government of Pakistan to hold these feminists accountable and put them on the list of banned terror outfits list. But we’d also request them to be vigilant with these terrorists, and not allow them to function under a different banner like we do for other militant groups.”
Meanwhile, Federal Information Minister, Parvez Rasheed, claims that Pakistan Tehrik-e-Insaf (PTI) is behind the mass harassment campaign.
“First of all, the party isn’t new to harassing pretty boys – Mian Nawaz Sharif is a prime example,” Rasheed told Khabaristan Times. “Secondly, we believe that this whole stunt is a part of the party’s October 30 plans to ‘block Islamabad’. They’ve already blocked Peshawar chowk for the past three days.”
Senior analyst Zaid Hamid is sure that Dawn Editor Zafar Abbas and Assistant Editor Cyril Almeida have ‘planted’ the 18-year-old.
“Dawn was instrumental in making him go viral. It was the first Pakistani newspaper that shared the story,” Hamid told Khabaristan Times. “And look how no one seems to care about their journalistic terrorism anymore. Mission accomplished.”
Sharing further details of the FIR, SP Jawad Malik said the matter might have to be taken up by the International Court of Justice (IJC).
“While we’re hoping to put the nation behind bars soon, the crime reached international proportions, with many other nations joining in the harassment,” he told Khabaristan Times. “With India and other South Asian countries equally guilty, it might actually help Pakistan host the SAARC summit to discuss common regional strategy on the matter.”
This satire was originally published in Khabaristan Times and has been reproduced with permission.
